Much of the deep restlessness we feel—the persistent inner ache—arises at some point in a seekers life. The child, once immersed in a state of unseparated innocence and being within, gradually emerges into a world that severs that direct connection to the inner self. Parents and society, themselves already disconnected from this inner ground, feed the feeling of loss, of separation. The child becomes dependent on them for security, love, and identity, and in doing so loses touch with his own true self.
This loss creates the ache, the ‘ longing’ of Rumi and CS Lewis. At first the child cannot clearly see this separation, for the parents appear as God, almost divine in their role, and the external world seems to hold promise of what was once felt inwardly. When the parents fail to live up to their divine status, the child looks to society for meaning. His restlessness leads him ever outward; the sense of lack deepens. The search for that lost reality turns ever outward, ever farther into relationships, possessions, status, and distractions; always in the wrong direction.
Only when the accumulated suffering becomes unbearable, when the outward path reaches its limit in sickness, depression and ennui, does the seeker turn inward occur. Through necessity and grace the mind’s attention reverses. In returning to the inner self, however this may occur, the bottomless longing is found to be simply the pain of separation from one’s own true nature—the same separation that characterized the parents and those before them.
Had a parent remained inwardly connected, the child might have picked up on it, been positively imprinted, and returned to his inner self through a natural path. But this is rare and easily misunderstood. Strangely enough, this pattern of disconnection followed by re-connection appears necessary. Without having lost the sense of oneself, one would not see the contrast earned through the separation. Once reestablished, the entire preceding struggle appears almost absurd. We emerge from unconscious struggle into conscious being.
What I’ve found resolves the longing and sense of separation is not formal psychological analysis or tracing chains of past events. Such investigation can become another form of avoidance. The intense nostalgia which leads us finally within, can be seen as a remembering. Nothing is really created, but we find the thread back to what we covered up, the real, with ego-centered feelings and thoughts. The key is not conceptual understanding as much as a direct seeing, looking at the little life created ‘self’, what I have called the ‘little man’. The difficulties and lost feelings we carry as this little man are present in every moment, not only locked in childhood memories requiring excavation. Ask yourself the hard questions, in the now, without rationalization. What does it feel like? What does it want? Why does it hurt? You may find instead of incidents and words, hidden knots in one’s being.
The direct approach is to turn toward the present feeling itself, in the here and now. Sit with the ache as it is right now, without fleeing or explaining it away. Watch the pain regardless how much the ego wants to run away into distraction and pleasure. Observe it openly, allowing the quiet awareness within—the inner self—to regard it plainly and honestly. What does this sensation reveal about the longing and pain? What is it truly seeking? The cause and the resolution are embedded in that immediate experience, accessible only through unmediated seeing in the present, not through retrospective analysis. It hurts, yes. But avoiding the pain feeds the knot, which continues to live in the unconscious. Facing it until we have removed the pain through patient acceptance can eventually bring peace and understanding.
That seeing, when sustained, is where the separation between what we have become and what we truly are, ends. The ache itself proves to be a pointer, not an enemy—quietly directing attention back to what was never truly absent.
– Bob Fergeson
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